the best feeling in my new year eve ever !!

today well tonight well the whole day i just feel everything just come together
i just had the best feeling ever in my life
haha i don't know why i'm so sure about this and i don't know how long it will last but i just feel so cozy with what i'm having
we shared stories
we sang so many love songs together
we open up serious conversation and i know from that moment on you and i both know that we did something wrong in our past and are trying to change our attitude
you know i've never been in this kind of relationship
i mean this time i'm having something special with the person that is soooooo not me
he even said to me that the first time he saw me that he was so sure that we couldn't be together
and when i found out where he was from from the first time we met i did think the same way as his
there just too many differences between the both of us
and there were soooo many times i feel like maybe we really couldn't stick together because of this
but what put color to our relationship is this
he taught me many things
he listens to my stories
and most of all he speaks english and really know how to make me high with his words and his accent everytime he speaks french :3
ahaha

so sorry i haven't post anything lately
i just don't know what to write

oooh by the way happy new year :D

i got no resolution but i'm trying for the best in every little thing that i'm doing and gonna do this year

happy new year and happy holidays :D

didn't you know i was crying when i read that message
i really don't know what to do
i don't even wanna eat
if we continue all of this then i should change right?
i feel so uneasy everytime i'm awake
i just wanna sleep all day and forget the rest
i cried so many times but it doesn't make feel better

do we really need to continue all of this?
if you feel more comfortable with her then why choose me?

i don't know when it all started but i think it has been going for a year
then we fought, then we made up and fought again for i thought was forever till i made up
then it all goes with the flow
i don't know why i keep doing this thing when i know it would end to sadness

gw gatau kenapa tapi gw merasa sekarang gw masih sanggup nerusin
walau seluruh dunia rasanya menentang tapi gw rasa i will give this one a chance for like the third time
rasanya sulit banget tapi makin sulit makin menantang dan gw ngerasa mungkin mengasyikan
yah emang mengasyikan untuk beberapa saat seterusnya gw ngerasa banyak waktu gw buat mikirin ini aja
gw sampe ga tidur nunggu kabar coz when we meet each other at our university we couldn't even say hallo
isn't it sad??
we should keep it a secret from even my bestfriend
i feel so guilty bout hiding all this but i don't think it's a good idea to tell about all of this
baru sekarang gw ngerasain sesuatu yang harus banget ga gw ceritain ke siapa2 padahal it was supposed to be something girls should share with their friends

new chapter in life new stories

udah lama ga ngisi blog karena gatau apa yang harus ditulis disini
gw bingung ngisinya dengan cerita apa
kadang gw klo udah tau mau nulis apa tapi begitu ditinggal bentar mau nulis udah ga mood lagi nulisnya
sekarang gw bingung klo gw cerita kadang orang mengintepretasiin jadi keluhan maksud gw kan ga ngeluh kenapa jadi kaya ngeluh zzzz

barusan gw ngalamin kejadian yang enggak pengen gw ceritain ke satu orang pun di dunia ini yang gw kenal
ga memalukan sih kejadiannya
cuma gw terlalu malu untuk bilang ke orang2 aja
semua karena gw minta maaf duluan dan terus ada perubahan dan gatau kenapa gw yang tadinya keukeuh jadi ikut berubah
tapi perubahan ini ga gw kasih tau ke siapa pun
gw berubah jadi kaya apa juga ga gw kasih tau disini saking gelinya gw buat ngakuin perubahan itu

semester ganjil kayanya semester yang baik2 aja buat gw di jogja
and i dont want to spoil it even just a little
gw cuma bisa berharap semoga semuanya berjalan dengan yang seharusnya
semuanya bisa baik2 aja
ga usah childish gt kaya kemaren2 berantem ga jelas zzz

satu yang gw harap dari sekarang dan terus ke depan nanti
ga ada satu orang pun yang tau apa yang terjadi sekarang

the dream

when i remember that dream i had last night gw cuma ngerasa bersalah tingkat tinggi
gatau kenapa padahal itu cuma mimpi doang tapinya gw ngerasa gw udah melakukan suatu dosa tingkat tinggi
karena gw rasa mimpi berasal dari pikiran bawah sadar manusia
dan mungkin pikiran bawah sadar gw dari kelas 1 sma itu masih terus tersimpan sebagaimana gw menolaknya karena itu ga mungkin
dari sisi mana pun itu ga mungkin
dan gw sendiri pun ga pengen itu terjadi -ya walau mungkin ada rasa pengen sedikit-
terlalu menyakitkan buat hal itu terjadi karena bakal ada banyak pihak yg tersakiti
mikir itu beneran aja gw ngerasa serem
walau untuk sekejap gw seneng berada di dalam mimpi itu
gw bangun dan tidur lagi berharap mimpinya berlanjut dan bangun dengan muka bahagia
tapi lama2 gw ngerasa bersalah
apalagi malem ini
rasa bersalah gw makin tinggi
ini semua udah gw tutup sedemikian rupa biar ga ada yg tau, yang ngerasa pun gw rasa bakal punya alasan tertentu buat ga mikir ke arah yang gw rasain
dan gw rasa gw cukup pandai mengelabui orang2 sekitar gw bahwa emang ga ada apa2
dan gw rasa emang ga ada apa2
emang ga ada ngapain dibahas

push push push im pushing you away
please leave

i saw that eyes once again and now i feel like i once new that look on your eyes
no more that fiery look on your face
it feels like the first time
and it felt good
maybe better or even more than that

then why did i turn away
am i afraid of what i saw?
am i afraid of what i would feel if i look into your deep brown eyes?
maybe i am
or maybe not

i was so sure that i am in the right way of leaving you
and now i don't know

i shouldn't look back on those things ga produktif

piece of mind

there's something new about my life, i don't know what but u feel it
you know there are times when we have to let go of things we thought we shouldn't
i'm on that time
the time which i have to let go of things i thought i would never have to let go
in any kind of way i don't wanna let these things go
i was like a child asking her mom to buy a huge animal stuff and crying in vain so that mom would buy me one

what if i cry?

i see now crying wouldn't solve any problem
i thought this time if i cry all of the things i had to let go would be back on my lap in a count of three
but it didn't
why can't it be there like it used to?

because things change

NORAH JONES - WHAT AM I TO YOU LYRICS

NORAH JONES - WHAT AM I TO YOU LYRICS

ketika seteres mendera

jason mraz

come on jason mraz work your magic for one more time
did i went wrong that last time?
did i said something wrong that last time?
i don't remember what happened that time
i totally forgot
all i know is every time i send that human a message that human hasn't even reply me at all
in any kind of way did i do something wrong?
if i did then why don't you tell me?
i guess i just have to figure out that mistake by myself
well i told you that i was not in the mood so is it your time to have that not in the mood thing too?
does that not in the mood thing took you this long?
or am i just too childish for you to handle?

you say that you really want to fly, maybe you are flying right now
moving far far away from where i am now that you don't have any signal or something

oh God this is such a laugh

TOTALLY ALONE

udah beberapa hari teakhir ini gw ngerasa sendiri
as in totally alone in and out
gatau kenapa gw ngerasa gt
padahal disekeliling gw banyak orang
and i got a lotta people who will always be there when i need, i knew that alright
but somehow i feel that they're just so far i can't even reach them
and some well most them i don't feel cozy to tell my stories to them

gw pengen banget cerita apa yang ada di hati gw yang ganjel di pikiran gw pengen banget gw keluarin tapi gw gatau mau ngasih tau siapa
yang gw tau bisa gw ceritain cuma NYOKAP
my lovely mom who keeps saying sarangeo before hanging off the phone and adding aishiteru after i said love you too
but i don't wanna be that selfish little girl who always moan to her mom
i've grown
if i told her what i feel then how would i think she felt back then?
she's totally alone too
dad's off to work outside and my sist is working also
so i just got to hold it
i won't let it spill
not a bit
i love you too much mom
i won't let anything spoils it again

and i won't cry (....)

gatau judulnya apaan

i don't know how to say it but i feel bad
gw gatau mesti cerita sama siapa karena gw ngerasa apa yang bakal gw ceritain ga worth untuk gw ceritain
enggak sama sekali
setau mereka gw udah lepas
totally
but what if deep down i think i haven't
what if

gw udah jahat karena dijahatin
gosh karma is really working here
i didn't do it on purpose
i just want to be free that's why i was just so evil
now i feel bad
this is the bad side of me
they say i was just too good
so i start being bad
but what do you know i can't stand to be that bad
i feel sorry
i know i shouldn't but i can't stand it
i can't

ada sesuatu yang ganjel di diri gw
pengen dikeluarin
tapi gw gamau ngeluarin
ga akan pernah mau
bakal gw tahan terus sampe gw bisa lupa hal yang ngeganjel itu
gw ga bakalan minta maaf
karena gw ga salah
dilihat dari sudut mana pun
iya gw egois sekarang
untuk kali ini egois apa ga boleh?

no i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple

sometimes you gotta be bad

i might remember you one more time just this time and i won't remember you again
not anymore
you don't worth to be remember
i just admit that once more i remember you
but i'm not remembering you again

things that happened lately reminds me of you
but it will not change my point of view about you anymore
even if you've change i don't really care
well i don't even care coz i don't even know you anymore
you better be gone now before i throw you out of the stage of this whole drama thing

i found something new, and i think it's far more better than i've had before
so be careful  on your way back
i hope you tripped and fall watching me flying high

can you see me now?
look at the blushes i had that's merrier than before
look at the bright light that shine through me
just look
and you'll see i'm happy
and you'll be sorry
yeah you'll be so sorry

arioshafa & alghufron - c.i.n.t.a (d'bagindas cover)

ini lagu tadinya ga banget tapi gara2 mereka yang nyanyiin gw jadi suka

minyinyinyihiihihihihi

no no never

saya sedang tidak ingin mengakui sesuatu yang besar impactnya buat saya
yeah i don't want to admit it in any kind of way although i think about it a lot of times but i still don't want to admit it okay
admitting it only gets me into such trouble
and right now i'm not in the mood to get into any kind of trouble
so i'll let it be like that and hope it will go as time goes on and on and as nobody knows what is happening to me so they won't talk about it behind me or ask me about such a thing
let everybody know that i am completely okay and have nothing worth to think

let it slipped away
yeah let it slipped away

why there is something you called heart?

i really need someone to run to but i don't know who

i really need to tell a story but i don't know how

i really need a big hug but i don't know who will give me one

i don't wanna look back even an inch

i don't wanna be hurt again

gw nyadar banget gw sekarang sedang menutup diri

sebisa mungkin gw ga cerita tentang apapun sama siapapun

apa mungkin gw sakit hati? 

gw rasa iya

gw sangat merasa sakit

lebih sakit rasanya ketika semua orang tau apa yang terjadi

gw merasa ditelanjangi oleh semua tatapan yang menganggap gw patut dikasihani 

gw ga suka dikasihani

gw aja ga ngerasa kasihan sama diri sendiri then why should they?

gw sangat tidak ingin berbicara tentang hal itu

hak yang sekarang untuk menyebutnya saja gw males

orang boleh cerita sama gw tentang masalah n so on bout their life but i'm so sorry  i don't wanna talk bout mine

gw menjadi lebih tertutup dari sebelumnya

gw waktu sd sebelum kelas 3 adalah orang yang terbuka sampe suatu saat ada hal yang ngebuat gw menutup diri

begitu pun smp

gw sangat menutup diri

tapi bukan berarti gw ga gaul sama temen2 smp gw

gw tetep lah bergaul

tapi tidak seopen gw waktu sma

sma adalah masa dimana gw ngebuka diri

sangat ngebuka diri

antara gw yang mau merubah sifat gw yang penutup itu dengan gw bertemu dengan orang2 yang gw rasa bisa gw percaya untuk gw ceritain

begitu pun kuliah

gw terbuka

sama semua orang pasti ada aja yang bisa gw ceritain

dan ke sebagian orang gw hampir menceritakan seluruh "hidup" gw

sampai kemudian gw ketemu dengan adegan dimana gw merasa ditelanjangi, direndahkan, dibuat setidaknyaman mungkin, dicacimaki, dimainkan, diinjak-injak dan semua di- di- lainnya

gw hampir ga percaya sama siapa pun

gw merasa sangat ga nyaman sama hampir semua so called friends dan ga nyaman aja sama temen2 gw

gw yah bisa dibilang ga percaya lagi sama mereka

maybe it's not because of them but it's because of me

i'm not blaming them to be theirselves

and i blame no one

but i don't know how i trust noone right now

saya terlalu takut untuk terbuka saat ini pada siapapun

saya takut sekali

saya takut sakit hati

5w 1h

hello world how are you
i've change my old routine quite much lately
sleeping late (well that's kinda reappearing my old routine :p)
hanging with people i used to hang with when i'm in highschool but the difference is that i only hang with two of them coz only two of them live in the same city with me
and about that new-old thing i kinda feel weird
i don't know why
i think i'm happy with my new environment but somehow something feels so weird
i don't know what but it makes me think about something that is going wrong
and till now i can't figure out what
something tells me that something was going the wrong way
i don't know which
and i really wanna know which but i don't know where to ask

pity

ever take a pity of other people?
i have, and i've done it quite much lately
but one thing i don't like about pity is i don't like to be the one who's being pity
i don't know why but i feel so uncomfortable if someone take apity of myself
i try the hardest way not to be pity by other people
if they think that my situation is a pity i'll make myself happy
i'll make them realize that it's okay for me to be that way
in anykind of way i try my best to be as happy as i can

but sometimes, once in a while i took pity of myself
i don't know why but i did
well i think i know why but i just don't want me to really know why
hahaha

[BB]Allen Iverson-Goodbye?

don't leave

i learned from you

i didn't wanna listen to what you were saying

i thought that i knew all i need to know

i didn't realize that somewhere inside me

i knew you were right but i couldn't say so

i can take care of myself

you taught me well ;)

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose

all of the reasons i keep on believing 

there's no question that's a lesson i learned from you

we always don't agree on what is the best way

to get to the place that we're going from here

but i can really trust you and give you the distance

to make your decision without any fear

i'm grateful for all of the time

you opened my eyes

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose

all of the reasons i keep on believing

there's no question i learned from you

you taught me to stand on my own

and i thank you for that

you save me you made me

and now that i'm looking back i can say

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose 

all of the reasons i keep on believing

there's no question i learned from you

ost hannah montana

it is called missing

i've been missing a lot of things lately

sometimes i think that missing those things is useless, it will only make you're mind and heart weak and stuff

but suddenly i think that missing things is not a thing that will make you weak or something, it will make you appreciate

*gw lagi eling nih hhahaha

for example

when i'm missing my cat i start to appreciate the times i've had with my cat

it goes the same way too with missing my home with the most lovable persons in it

missing is a beautiful feeling

even if when i'm feel like missing something or someone so much it feels so lonely and sometimes makes my eyes swell haha

but missing is a feeling i think which is powerful 

when you love someone you must have miss him or her

when you hate someone you probably would miss him or her either right

when you get something you'll miss those moments when you were trying to get what you are having now

there's always something to be miss at

and right now i miss being told what to do

i really like what i have now

i love to do anything i wanna do without anyone to tell me i should do this or that

but somehow i miss to be told

i feel so free right now

like those curfew i use to have when i'm in bogor

i can't come home late

but now i can come home anytime i want

well it doesn't mean that i went home late everynight, it's just that when i really need to come home late i can enter my room

but that freedom i have now sometimes makes me feel like nobody care about me even if i went home late

haha

i know that things i just said should be done too

but sometimes when i meet the real world i forgot what i have written here 

LOL

my Ueberdad

maybe, i think i shouldn't complain that much
i should remember my Uberdad haha he's just seriously have had this kinda experience
he well to me he never ever complain how much he misses home and how much he wanted to go home
he sacrificed his feeling so hard to make my mom's sis's and my life easier to live
he never say it so loud that he really wanted to go home
it's not about not caring it's about what it would feel if he had said those words before
he's not weak, unlike me
he's got a stiff heart 
so hard that he didn't show it to us
i never thought of that before
i was always selfish self-centered
i wanted all the attention that i can get
i never thought that living far away from home is not easy, it never is
i always thought that mom was so strong and he dad was so cruel leaving us here alone with no man for years
but he did something he should and for a family each of us should understands that to have a better life always need a sacrifice
sometimes i wonder why God told me to go here to this so called Student City
but i realize that maybe this is the best way God gave me to learn about life
to learn how to take responsible for everything you've said and done by your own self


i learn not to cry infront of people
i learn how to be tough when you feel weak
i learn how to smile even if i'm in vain
i learn to control my emotion
i learn how to say hello to God with my own way and my own will
i learn to not to trust people from the first time we met
i learn not to think all the people you meet is good people
i learn a lot dad
i hope someday you'll read this and think i've grown now
haha


i learn from you PAPA :*

i feel totally bored right now
and when i feel bored it makes everything i do feel so wrong
i don't know why but it feels that way
and it makes my mood bad
it turns ugly
i don't know how but it turns so ugly


well today wasn't that bad in the morning
i smile and laugh a lot until tonight when i found out maybe we're not going to that beautiful paradise like place this july
i want to go there so bad you know
i want it so bad i sacrifice my time to go home just for going there
but i was told not to hope much for it
and then i felt so sad that i can't even cry
i don't wanna cry there
i was so happy to meet them today but i don't know something tells me its not right
and tonight i really wanted to go home but i told my parents that i don't need to go home now
and those words that came out from my mouth earlier just made me feel so sick
sick of my own freaking self
why on earth did i say that?
i really wanna go home
i was able to stay here before coz i thought it will be such a waste of money and energy if i go back home coz going to that so called paradise wannabe is not cheap and use a lot of energy
now i don't know why on earth should i stay here
childish right?
i am childish

cigarette

you they say people who are already addicted to cigarette even can't live a day without it

some says it will give you inspiration

i said it really give you life, inspiration and stuff not by smoking it but when you smoke you tend (well i tend) to think a lotta things in your head, like all your thoughts are connecting to each other and so you can get the inspiration

like daydreaming you know you think and see things as if all of your thoughts are real

its fun

its like its a must, even if you know that it'll harm your body but you don't care you feel much better after smoking

and what you feel somehow is more important than what is happening with your body

*apalah ini gw gatau ngepost apa tau -____________-"

how boring

when you're living a life which you're doing it again and again
i need a change
i've change the position of my stuffs in my room
i've change my hairdo
i've change my status haha
but i still feel bored

why oh why

i know a little about you but now you know more about me than i know about you
is that a problem?
nope
coz i know they'll be more time to tell more stories
stories not like tonight 
stories that will make us laugh
stories that will make us see ourselves as if we were a pair of clown


so why did you come?
God sent you didn't He?


just let the river flow
the sun shines
and the wind blow

apa?

ada yang salah sama gw akhir-akhir ini gw rasa
there's just something wrong with it
but i don't even know what
argh

i just think that what people think of things or other people isn't always right but somehow my mind told me to think that it's right
it's irritating

sumpah gw gasuka rasanya kaya gini
kenapa ini itu harus dikomentarin
kenapa kalo temenan harus gini gitu
kenapa kalo pake ini itu harus gini gitu
geli gw sumpah
kenapa sih ga 'peduli setan' sama orang2 gitu
gw gemes tau ga
emosi juga gw lama2
ya kalo dy gini biarin aja dy gini kalo gasuka yah bukan berarti apa yang kita suka itu bener
aduuuuuuuuuuuuh gemes gw Tuhan
kenapa gw ditempatin di kota penuh keanehan ini sih?
gemes Tuhan

risih

have you ever feel uncozy with somebody or something?
i have, well i'm feeling it right now
i'm feeling not cozy with everything around me
why? i don't know
my head aches so much
my mind is somewhere far away from where i belong now
my body won't cooperate with me
okay i think i really don't feel good

i need a rest
a long one
so my mind will not be like what i have right now
negative thoughts all over my brain
GOSH GET IT OUT OF MY BRAIN PLEASE!!!

sumpah gw risih banget sama LO

the continuing weirdness

kenapa ini hidup gw abstrak bener akhir2 ini

tugas banyak males ngerjain

ga dikasih tugas ga ada yang dikerjain

banyak acara ga bisa ngeschedulinnya

ga ada acara bete di kosan ckck

maunya apa toh hidup gw ini

kan isi post gw aja ini gajelas

ckck

a little weird

i don't know why i feel a little weird lately
i start to stop calling names
i start to act like who i am when i was in senior high
i start to stop respecting people who used to be respected by me
i feel odd
i feel angry
i think i'm mad
mad at myself and mad to other people as well
i can't understand myself and neither do otherself
places which used to be fun for me doesn't feel the same anymore
places where i used to not like is somehow in somewhat way so cozy for me well not that cozy i mean
i think gw udah betahan tinggal di jogja
something told me to stay and i stayed
something told me that i will survive and find happiness here that's why i stay and i wait and wait till the thing that told me to stay and wait comes out from it's chamber to tell me what i was looking for for all of this time
something beautiful will come i guess
i'm feeling it somehow

i don't know if i'm acting so mature lately but i think i should start to change little by little coz i'm old now
well not that old i mean just old enough to know what's right and wrong
to stop whinning
to stop crying
to stop depending on other people
to stop mad at people when they done something wrong
just start to forgive as much as you want to be forgiven by people when you've made a mistake
just start to give advice to yourself and do what you think is right and do what you advice to other people

tiba-tiba pengen yoghurt cimory haha

missing

did i tell you how much i miss my old life?

i miss it so much

but i think i kinda love my new one too

i learn a lot from my old mistakes that were too much to mention and i think i learn the hard way

i closed some doors i should have closed before and open some new ones

i choose things i haven't ever choose it before

finding something new

finding something more precious

looking for something fresh

i think i'm a step a head from who i am before

i choose to do things which involve with other people and i prefer lots of them

and i am starting to join stuff like activities which makes a lot of people happy

like the beach tour i had last week which will happen again this week and for this week i'll help them clean their environment which in Indonesian language is called kerja bakti

well at first i had to choose between that activity which is fun but tiring at the same time and a journey to nowhere with my high school friends which is surely fun but i don't know if will make other people happy too

haha cheesy

i want to live a life which is useful to other people

hello i'm 20 for God's sake so i think i better choose the right way to walk down the road to heaven haha

ngawur bener nih yang gw ketik

i haven't entering more post to my lovely blog since i haven't have much time and connection to the network but i guess i'll follow up my stories so that i could read it again and again in the future even if my diary isn't around anymore

:D

what?!

what is exactly the question i'm having lately
i lost my freaking modem and i lost my room so i have to find a new one which alhamdulillah i found it already and i am living in it already then i have no money left in my pocket but suddenly my mom wasn't that mad again at me so she sent me some so i can survive till the end of the month
well i guess things are getting better right now even when you don't have anything left to do in your room when there's no tv and no network :(
well i got to accept that cause it was my fault after all why my modem was lost
now i realize how much it meant for me (ahaha berasa pegat)

talking about the end of the month means 2 very important things in my life and those are:
1. my mom is coming next week to come and check my new room
2. it's midterm test and i haven't study anything at all

right, i should study coz i promise my dad i would raise my grade this semester to make up what i did lately

nais

gw baru aja eksperimen cacat sama my bestfriend at her house

and that is 'ngecat rambut sendiri'

gw udah beli yang bagus tuh catnya eeeeeeeeh karena rambut gw yang super tebal n super banyak itu ternyata rambut gw butuh 2 botol tu cat karena rambut gw (baca:poni) masih item hadooooh

my superbestfriend itu telah membuat rambut temannya belang2!!

haha gapapa deh

biar ini rambut begini dulu ntar gw itemin lagi aja deh pake henna ato ke salon sekalian potong hahahahaha

CACAT ni rambut kaya abis maen layangan gw hahaha

begadang

begadang used to be my best habbit

yap it WAS cos after begadang saya biasanya jadi sakit magh and it hurts a lot

bikin keringetan trus perut perih pala pening dan banyak keluhan lainnya jadi gw pikir ya gw harus berhenti begadang

it took me about 2 month to change my sleeping hours

and now i am force to sleep early and wake up early coz my class starts 7.30 every weekdays

if i keep on begadang then i won't be able to concentrate at class and it will make my grades bad and i think i won't be able to get the knowledge from my lecture

gw cuma dapet gossip dari temen gw haha

wanted stuff

I wanted to say sorry to him but maybe he will ask me what for then I couldn’t answer that question
I can’t stop this guilty feeling
I should text him maybe then at least I could answer freely coz I don’t have to face him

I wanted to say ‘it is never the same again’ to him
But he will ask me or comment something and I don’t really want to communicate with him in any kind of communication
I can’t stop feeling irritated with him

I wanted to say I like you a lot and I want to have something special with you to him but maybe he will ran out and doesn’t want to meet me anymore
Or maybe he’ll agree with me
I can’t stop liking you now

I wanted to ask you ‘are you happy now?’ but I couldn’t because I feel like I don’t have anything to do with you anymore
But everytime I see your face your smile your stare it has change a lot
And I don’t see happiness like I’ve seen before when we were so happy
So are you happy now after everything that has happened?

I wanted to say ‘why are you so far away even though I went so far from home just to catch you?’
I already know the answer though
But I wanted him to know that thing
Or not
Oh God I don’t know but if this is the way it’s all supposed to be then let it be

I’m okay

random

mungkin kata yang lebih tepatnya lagi adalah mengetik karena yah saya emang ngetik kan haha


abis bacain blog2 orang banyak yang bagus

ada yang ngebahas fashion trus lovelife everyday kinda stuff, trus fotography ada juga yang ngebahas maslah2 filsafat as i am majoring in it now so i guess those blogs are my reference

gw jadi bingung mau ngisi blog gw dengan apa

cheesy apa ya ngisi blog dengan kata2 yang ga jelas maknanya kaya yang gw tulis ini

haha

gw sih ngutarain apa yang ada di otak gw yang dipikiran gw terus asal keluar aje gw ketik itu juga klo koneksinya lagi bagus a.k.a malam hari karena gw pake modem yang somehow ko makin hari makin melambat


oia nowdays i just realize i have so many activities i am attending too

mulai dari yang lingkup kostan, jurusan, angkatan, ampe universitas kayanya ada aja kegiatan

sampe yg berhubungan sama temen2 sma ada aja kegiatan jadi berasa no time to waste yeah right maksud gw no time too feel relax without these things going on my head

gw lagi banyak ngelamun

kebanyakan yang dipikirin

lagi sering teledor karena somehow i'm handling everything i could handle

yah semoga aja gw bisa melalui ini semua

coz i don't know why but i feel empowered by all of these things

i feel excited

haha

kebiasaan excitednya banget tapi only last for a few days

hope this one will stay forever :D
and i hope i could sleep well everynight so that i wake up happily :D

Kurang atau Kelebihan Tidur Meningkatkan Lemak Perut

haha nice title isn't it?
yeah that's one of the article i was interest about i got that from detik.com
it says that if you sleep more or less than 6-7 hours kemungkinan penumpukan lemak lebih banyak
hey i sleep about 6-7 hpurs a day but tummy isn't going anywhere
haha i know it's because i eat a lotta food like a hell lot
and other time i barely don't eat anything

speaking of eating i think i should eat but my class starts like 15 minutes from now so i guess i can't eat that fast coz it's not good for my health
but on the other hand my class starts from 11 till 3.30 so do you think i could survive eating my own stomach while i'm having my class?!
insanely not

sela-sela menunggu kuliah

lagi senggang, udah ngerjain tugas jadi bingung mau ngapain sambil nunggu kuliah yang waktunya tanggung bet

ngliat komputer kosong mending ol haha

mumpung koneksinya faster than my freaking modem haha

have i told you that my face is freaking black and burned out?

yeah it is and know i feel terribly ugly haha

yeah i know i shouldn't feel that way but i did

i want my old face please haha

i hate being too tan like this i'm already excotic in my way so i really need my old freaking skin back please

and my hands too, it's itchy bitchy baby

huhu

padat merayap

haha it's been a while i haven"t write anything and now i think i should post something at least hehe

i had a very tiring yet fun weeks

yap it's weeks

coz those weeks were terribly fun yet very tiring 

i went to a lot of places

from those place some people says it's haunted to places which can make you breathe easy and place that's adventurous

and the latest place i went was this cave called Cereme

the cave is the place where a river flos in so when i enter the cave i surely get wet and i did

me and my folks went there for about 1 and a half hour and it was fun coz there were times we have to lay down so that our body wont hit the stalagtit and other time we had to dive in the river coz the stalagtit was like all over the cave and other times we have to climb up the cave 

and it was like FUN haha but i admit that i was a little bit scared in there that's why i kept holding on somebody elses hand haha

then after that cave journey we slept and we walk in and out of the forest up and down the hill (udah berasa hatori gitu haha) and after about 5 hours we finnaly arrived at the parangtritis beach which was very beautiful at that time because for 5 hours i've walking with a lotta stuff on my back and the weather was like hell as in hot

God i was somehow about to cry when i saw that freaking beach

actually we could be there in just 2 to 3 hours but the leader of the group try to make our trip more adventurous and it turns out to be further and we got lost like a lot

haha

but if i didn't go that far maybe i won't feel so happy seeing that beach which i have been like many times haha

after that long freaking trip my face turns red

hot red

yap hot like chili pepper were spread on your face oh god

and my hands were blistering and i hate it

now it's itching

and i feel like going home is the best solution but it's not coz i got to study for my college stuffs and i have a lot of task and assignments and it's driving me insane

OH GOD i'm moaning haha

boong

GA USAH BOONG JUGA KALI!!

di kostan mati lampu tau bakalan lama

mengingat yang pernah terjadi membuatku berfikir betapa bedanya situasi dan keadaan sekarang dengan dulu saat semuanya biasa saja

mungkin tidak seharusnya dari awal saya memperlakukan semua orang sama even if he/she is a stranger or you can say a person you just met

tidak, semua orang tidak sama begitu pun menurut saya cara 'mendekati' atau bersikap friendly kepada kawan baru tidak bisa disamakan

saya harus melihat latar belakangnya, dari mana dia berasal, bagaimana biasanya ia berkomunikasi dengan orang, dia suka dan tidak suka apa dsb

ya, itu saya rasa patut diperhatikan agar tidak terjadi kesalah pahaman

saya tidak menyesali apapun itu yang telah menimpa ups terjadi maksud saya kepada saya karena somehow ini seperti berkah

saya merasa mendapat pencerahan atau 'enlightment' i once read in one of my lecture book

saya sekarangmengerti rasanya indah dan nyaman sekali berada di rumah yang tak seberapa besar dan indahnya

tapi saya merasa berada di rumah merupakan suatu berkah yang tak ternilai harganya

saya merasa setiap waktu that i spent there were the most precious moments that i'd ever had, and it is limited

saya pun baru sadar betapa indahnya 'terkekang' oleh aturan yang kadang tidak masuk akal sehingga saya sangat ingin terbebas dari itu semua

sekarang saya baru sadar apakah setelah saya 'terbebas' dari itu everything will be better?!

i don't think so

menurut saya hidup teratur asal dinikmati merupakan sesuatu yang indah

buat apa manusia diberi akal hidup seenaknya tak mengenal aturan dan batas-batas tertentu

useless

tuhan begitu adil

ya, menurutku Tuhan itu sangat adil

tuhan memberi sakit agar saya merasakan betapa indahnya sehat

tuhan memberikan hambaNya segala sesuatu dari kedua sisinya agar hambaNya sadar betapa indahnya dunia yang penuh karunia ini

agar hambaNya mensyukuri apa yang telah diberikanNya pada hambaNya

sekali lagi ini menurut saya

akhir-akhir ini saya baru menyadari betapa beruntungnya saya

saya baru mensyukuri apa yang Tuhan telah berikan kepada saya

keterlaluan memang, namun setidaknya ini membuat saya lebih menghargai hidup

setiap detiknya saya berusaha 'segimana cara' agar bermanfaat dan tersenyum 

bukan gila tapi ini bentuk saya mensyukuri hidup dengan mengisinya dengan kebahagiaan

setiap hal pasti ada hikmahnya

saya merasa sangat berterimakasih atas semua

crumble up

the walls that you built has crumble down
you yes you yourself crushed it down without me asking for it to happened
as if you knowi want it that way and you want it that way too
but
you're too late
you crushed it when i am starting to build my own
now then you see me as if there no yesterday's mistakes
but i am not the same person as i was before
not a bit
coz you'll be seeing me over my own walls
the walls that'll protect me from all the bad things in life that i've ever had in my life before
sorry if you're not expecting that to happened but it did
i was so ready to face the world on my own
without you it feels so much better

something i should remember

when you're happy
don't be too happy
when you're sad
don't be too sad

believe in yourself that no matter how happy or sad you are right now it will CHANGE

envy

i just found out that one of my high school friend who has been studying abroad for a year in america is going to america again and i think she got some kind of scholarship or something

gosh i am so envying her

i really want to get a scholarship like that

i just haven't found it yet

maybe it's because i never look for it before

dang i really want to

well i would like to go back to my elementary school once more before i die of course and live there once more but not for 2 years maybe

i just want to get out of this country once more

and if that happens i wish yeah i really wish that i go by my one money

i don't want my parents to pay for it now

haha

hopes and dreams

i hope i dream while i'm awake so that i am living my dreams

hehe

account

gw baru aja nyadar account gw banyak juga yah di dunia maya haha
guna ga sih? ga tiap hari juga gw buka
ada yang ampe bulukan ga pernah gw buka lagi soalnya gw lupa password dan segala macem
ada juga yang menurut gw pas abis gw sign up gw rasa ga guna buka2 situs itu lagi hahaha
gwnya aja kali ya yang gatau gimana ngegunainnya
sekarang klo gw itung2 account di situs2 gw yang masih aktif ada sekitar 8 lah
itu juga cuma 4 yang selalu gw buka tiap hari sisanya gw buka klo lagi senggang kaya sekarang
suka ketawa sendiri deh gw kalo inget gimana dulu baru gabung di suatu situs trus bego sendiri mau ngapain ga ngerti haha

jiwa otak badan

ternyata otak jiwa badan emang terhubung yah

i feel so bad lately

i don't feel good

my body isn't working like it has to

it starts with this long nightmares and it continues in the next night i sleep

bangun2 ga fresh, cape banget kaya abis lari marathon berapa kilo aja

ga semangat trus mikirin yang gak gak 

pokoknya what i'm thinking is so bad

gara2 nightmares berkepanjangan gw ga enak badan ga enak otak ga semangat cape

gatau kenapa tapi efek nightmare begitu berasa buat gw apalagi setelah gw tinggal di kostan gw malah jadi ga pernah tidur gara2 nightmares haha

gw jadi amat jutek gini ke orang klo udah begini haha

rasanya pengen nyalahin orang atas apa yang gw rasain

sekarang gw ngerasa ga enak body banget argh i hate it

gw males nerima telp dari siapa pun dan males banget bales sms dari siapa pun besides gw ga punya pulsa pada salah satu nomor gw

pengen deactivate semua account and phones

pengen sehari diem aja di kamar

ngerasa relax

pengen nyoba gitu

di kamar aja i guess it wouldn't hurt anyone yah klo gw semedi dikamar aja ga kemana2 n nyuruh orang nganter hehe

sori ya buat orang yang waktu itu dengan sukarela nganter gw ke tempat jauh nan damai itu tapi gw jahatin 

maap hehe

kebiasaan buruk gw itu

menjauhi seseorang gara2 ilfil dan ngilanginnya susah banget

sekarang mah udah ga ko hehe

heavenly bless :)

actually i wanted to post this a long time ago
not that long like years
tapi koneksinya lancar pisan ahaha

lately i feel so content
now i know that my life somehow is already full of happiness and joy
so why did i felt so sorrow before??
gw ga nyadar yang gw punya indah2 ternyata
my family i love my family so much and i now realize that they are so precious
so much precious
ans i don't wanna let them go haha
but i have to
i feel so lucky that i realize how precious they are when all of them are still alive
i feel so bless
and i feel so bless by having these chunks of friends if u compare to the population of the world haha
my friends are like the best thing i ever had besides my family and pets of course
coz they never let me down (nah they had once or twice but it don't matter much right haha)
they zap me from my sorrow and turn it into something so beautiful
gw berasa terlahir kembali begitu balik ke kota tercinta gw
even though my family isn't that rich but i feel so content with them
i love them so much haha
i can't stop telling that i love them
i'm afraid that i don't have the time to tell it so i guess its best to tell it now haha
and of course i love you and you know i do ahahahahha :))

oh i forgot to thank God for everything i have and giving me the opportunity to feel it hehe
love you so much God :*

my playlist

okay my playlist on my phone lately are just some songs some dimasukin secara random sama gw

and some of them i really like hehe

here it is:

star of bethlehem by Angels and Airwaves (asal masukin karena cuma intro asaan haha)

alone by avril feat travis (love it so coz it's so me haha)

losing grip by avril lavigne (just love it, gatau sejak kapan it has been my soundtrack of life after having stuff with boys and it makes me strong :) hehe)

my life would suck without you by kelly clarkson (i don't really like the song but i listen to it haha)

emotions by mymp (i love mymp jadi gw asal masukin semua lagunya ajah haha)

i can do better by avril lavigne (LOVE it so haha coz i really can do better de wkwk)

tatto by jordin sparks (sangat menggambarkan gw belakangan ini hehe jadi theme song sementara lah)

cadillac phunque by family force (sealbumeun family force gw masukin abis lagunya lucu hehe gw suka)

i do not hook up by kelly clarkson (suka bangeeeeeeeeeeeeet haha)

the pick of destiny by tenacious d (just love the song)

kountry gentlemen by family force (sukasukasuka)

runaway by avril lavigne (wild side)

already gone by kelly clarkson (it's the song from somebody for me wahahaha)

viva la vida by coldplay (who doesn't like this song right??)

best damn thing by avril lavigne (berasa the best klo nyanyiin lagu itu gw haha)

officially yours by craig david (enakeun)

heaven by maliq n d'essentials (gatau bisa nyemplung di playlist gw gimana cara)

lil thing by maliq n d'essentials (same reason as the above)

can't take my eyes of you by muse (gw masukin gara2 musenya tapi klo lagi di mainin selalu gw forward lagunya haha)

x-girlfriend by family force (he just became my xboyfriend haha)

fences by paramore (lucu beatnya buat gw mah hehe)

love you lately by daniel powter (blom gw apus aja ni lagu dari hp gw haha)

at your best by mymp (jarang dengerin jadi gatau yang mana lagunya)

everytime by avril lavigne (gw pernah suka banget sama lagu ini jadi gw suka aja terus zzz)

drama queen by family force

put ur hands up by family force (asa2 pernah denger ni lagu tapi bukan dy yang bawain haha)

love addict by family force (hold up wait a minute put a little love in it)

earthquake by family force

irreplaceable by beyonce (bagus lagunya banyak memorinya haha)

baby now i found you by mymp

if i never see your face again by maroon 5 feat rihanna (just like the song)

eternal flame by mymp (berasa eternalnya hehe)

stuck by stacie oricco (dulu pernah ngerasa jadi tokoh utama di lagu ini haha)

make me pure by robbie william (oh Lord please make me pure)

all i have by backstreets boys (teringat masa2 waktu gw tinggal disana haha)

bizzare love triangle by frente (lagu pasaran tea)

replace me by family force

love drunk by boys like girls (wanna feel that way again)

cry by rihanna (iiiih lagunya gw banget haha)

bend and break by keane (i don't know why but i really like this song <3)

true love by Angels and Airwave (ava mah semuanya suka saya)

lifeline by angels and airwave

jumping rooftops by angels and airwave

miss you by mymp

bubbly by colbie caillat (hihi teringat kk kelas saya yang gw gebet waktu sma haha eh sampe sekarang deng :">)

numb by family force

rite of spring by angels and airwave

hurt by christina (terimakasih gara2 lagu ini gw sadar haha)

lose urself by family force

peachy by family force (i wonder how is feeling peachy haha)

supersonic by family force

girl in the mirror by britney spears (lagu yang nemenin gw klo mau kuliah)

adams song by blink 182 (everybody know this song is kewl)

only reminds me of you by mymp

i love you to death by family force

face down by family force

never let me go by family force

whenever wherever... by mymp

stay together for the kids by blink 182 (alhamdulillah udah ga begini cerita hidup gw haha)

diva by beyonce

when you're gone by bryan adams (ketularan kk gw jadi suka juga)

what am i to you by norah jones (yang ini ketularan bokap haha)

falling for you by colbie caillat (this song is so me haha)

say it right by nelly furtado (pengen bilang ini lagu gua banget tapi bosen juga haha)

i don't wanna miss a thing by aerosmith (ini lagu bagus parah apalagi filmnya suka banget <3)

byebye by mariah carrey (bagus)

mencintai untuk dicintai by ari (inget risanti my BFF nyuruh gw dengerin lagu ini pas gw patah hati haha)

how you love me now by hey monday (so me! no question about it haha)

homecoming by hey monday

i look good without you by jessie james (best song after a break up <3)

wanted by jessie james (theme song gw mandi haha)

with me tonight by the used (suka banget haha)

ain't no other man by christina aguerila (nyelundup masuk playlist gw tapi gw suka juga sih)

rainbow veins by owl city (owl city musiknya unik :))

aduh masih banyak tapi gw udah males ngetiknya sumpah ahahahahaha

sok2 mau rajin gw ngisi blog gw yang garink dengan begituan ternyata melelahkan

ga nyadar gw ternyata hampir semuanya gw bilang lagunya gw banget haha

emang iya sih makanya gw masukin playlist duh

zz

apakah

what a day

what a weird day actually today is for me

i woke up this morning if you could still say 10 am is morning then i realize i got to go to my friend's house but somehow i don't feel good and my teeth-wisdom teeth my friend once told me- is growing and it is bugging me somehow coz i can't eat well for God's sake and i hate it coz i love to eat haha

so i text my friends and told them i couldn't come then after a couple of minutes watching NBA i fall asleep again

then i woke up again and i found out it's already like 2 pm so i better start my day somehow

so i turn on my pumpkin (that's my laptop's name haha) and thinking that watching Yes Man! would be a great idea to start my day coz my friend said that it's a funny movie

i hope that it is a VERY FUNNY movie but it turns out NOT

haha it is funny but not as funny as i want it to be

then suddenly i feel anxious

i don't know why but when i'm feeling that way my stomach doesn't feel good and it make me sweat a lot and it's cold

and i don't like it

i really don't

so i finally hehe took a bath then i feel better

haha

it actually is not weird isn't it?

it's not

what's weird is that you didn't text me today

well you did then i think you sleep through it haha

does it matter

okay what the hell is wrong with the connection??!!

i'm trying to upload some photos here hello!!

and it keep saying 'page error' and stuffs

come on you gotta be kidding me

haha

well what's good today is at least those people who i was angry with yesterday didn't bug me at all today :)

he's just NOT that into you

it's a great movie

ahaha i guess tons of people had watch it before but i just watched it tonight

it gave me knowledge that i never knew before and of course some of them were just words that were slapping me into reality haha

it's just so nice you know to watch a movie like this movie

i get it that it is so nice to have someone you love turns out to have the same feeling as you do

i remember the last time i felt that way it was so nice i almost burst into tears then after a minute or so i really did cry because after a great happy feeling something bad came with it

and why on earth am i bringing that story up now

gosh i still wanna talk about it 

how freaking come?

ahaha i still can't forget that happy but tormented feeling

okay stop talking bout my past life and let's go back to the movie thing

i realize that the movie told me that sometimes what people think is the right thing may not be the right thing for us

that's a good lesson i got haha

i don't wanna be the rule but i wanna be the exception

haha i really do

hey smart boy hurry up and come and see me would you??haha

apalah

sumpah gw MARAH
i feel so angry today and these people wont stop bugging me
why don't they? gatau apah orang udah ngasih sinyal bales sms pendek2 that means i don't wanna communicate with you right now or maybe forever!!
argh
you know i'm kinda sick of these people whose writing is so GAOL they think like 'QmUu knPaHh sicH?kanT blablabla' i can't stand those people who write those kind of text or messages to me
oh God i don't know why i'm so angry today
i feel annoyed by others
oh please leave me alone now
this is the time where you need to stay away from me, why? coz u are so freaking annoying haha
i wanna scream so loud to get this anger out of me

new entry

it's my first blog and i don't know what to share here

i don't know why but i feel so sad today
i thought i had forgot someone already
i thought I've let him go but then i realize i haven't
yap it's boys stuff i'm talking about here
sorry but that's on my head right now

i'm on vacation now but i keep thinking about him somehow and now i can't stop it
geeeeez help meh
it's been years since me know what happened happened
i thought i have let everything go but then now tonight i realize i haven't
so sad isn't?

lately i feel strange to hear love songs coz my bestfriend turn out to have some feelings on me but i don't so i feel so weird about it and now i think i wouldn't be that close to boys in my college
why?
coz what i thought was only friends stuff turns out to be more for them and i don't want anymore 'victim' for me haha
pede banget gw yah
tapi itu kenyataan yang menurut gw aneh
damn freak
i'm not gorgeous or something
i'm just so plain and ordinary nah i'm not ordinary but i'm messy that's why i feel odd with them haha

okay these things are just spilling out of my head
next time i'll post something not berbau cowo
i promise

i just need to let these things out

sumpah gw ga suka ngerasa begini haha

merindukan yang tidak merindukan

daaaaaaaaaang

i'm tired
i'm confused but happy at the same time
kinda weird huh?

oh gosh my sweet cat i think is dying
i still hope he can make it through this night

i'll be more innovative on the next post haha

kampungan yah
maklum blog pertama and post pertama hehe
:">

xoxo kikia