the dream

when i remember that dream i had last night gw cuma ngerasa bersalah tingkat tinggi
gatau kenapa padahal itu cuma mimpi doang tapinya gw ngerasa gw udah melakukan suatu dosa tingkat tinggi
karena gw rasa mimpi berasal dari pikiran bawah sadar manusia
dan mungkin pikiran bawah sadar gw dari kelas 1 sma itu masih terus tersimpan sebagaimana gw menolaknya karena itu ga mungkin
dari sisi mana pun itu ga mungkin
dan gw sendiri pun ga pengen itu terjadi -ya walau mungkin ada rasa pengen sedikit-
terlalu menyakitkan buat hal itu terjadi karena bakal ada banyak pihak yg tersakiti
mikir itu beneran aja gw ngerasa serem
walau untuk sekejap gw seneng berada di dalam mimpi itu
gw bangun dan tidur lagi berharap mimpinya berlanjut dan bangun dengan muka bahagia
tapi lama2 gw ngerasa bersalah
apalagi malem ini
rasa bersalah gw makin tinggi
ini semua udah gw tutup sedemikian rupa biar ga ada yg tau, yang ngerasa pun gw rasa bakal punya alasan tertentu buat ga mikir ke arah yang gw rasain
dan gw rasa gw cukup pandai mengelabui orang2 sekitar gw bahwa emang ga ada apa2
dan gw rasa emang ga ada apa2
emang ga ada ngapain dibahas

push push push im pushing you away
please leave

TOTALLY ALONE

udah beberapa hari teakhir ini gw ngerasa sendiri
as in totally alone in and out
gatau kenapa gw ngerasa gt
padahal disekeliling gw banyak orang
and i got a lotta people who will always be there when i need, i knew that alright
but somehow i feel that they're just so far i can't even reach them
and some well most them i don't feel cozy to tell my stories to them

gw pengen banget cerita apa yang ada di hati gw yang ganjel di pikiran gw pengen banget gw keluarin tapi gw gatau mau ngasih tau siapa
yang gw tau bisa gw ceritain cuma NYOKAP
my lovely mom who keeps saying sarangeo before hanging off the phone and adding aishiteru after i said love you too
but i don't wanna be that selfish little girl who always moan to her mom
i've grown
if i told her what i feel then how would i think she felt back then?
she's totally alone too
dad's off to work outside and my sist is working also
so i just got to hold it
i won't let it spill
not a bit
i love you too much mom
i won't let anything spoils it again

and i won't cry (....)

gatau judulnya apaan

i don't know how to say it but i feel bad
gw gatau mesti cerita sama siapa karena gw ngerasa apa yang bakal gw ceritain ga worth untuk gw ceritain
enggak sama sekali
setau mereka gw udah lepas
totally
but what if deep down i think i haven't
what if

gw udah jahat karena dijahatin
gosh karma is really working here
i didn't do it on purpose
i just want to be free that's why i was just so evil
now i feel bad
this is the bad side of me
they say i was just too good
so i start being bad
but what do you know i can't stand to be that bad
i feel sorry
i know i shouldn't but i can't stand it
i can't

ada sesuatu yang ganjel di diri gw
pengen dikeluarin
tapi gw gamau ngeluarin
ga akan pernah mau
bakal gw tahan terus sampe gw bisa lupa hal yang ngeganjel itu
gw ga bakalan minta maaf
karena gw ga salah
dilihat dari sudut mana pun
iya gw egois sekarang
untuk kali ini egois apa ga boleh?

no i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple

sometimes you gotta be bad

i might remember you one more time just this time and i won't remember you again
not anymore
you don't worth to be remember
i just admit that once more i remember you
but i'm not remembering you again

things that happened lately reminds me of you
but it will not change my point of view about you anymore
even if you've change i don't really care
well i don't even care coz i don't even know you anymore
you better be gone now before i throw you out of the stage of this whole drama thing

i found something new, and i think it's far more better than i've had before
so be careful  on your way back
i hope you tripped and fall watching me flying high

can you see me now?
look at the blushes i had that's merrier than before
look at the bright light that shine through me
just look
and you'll see i'm happy
and you'll be sorry
yeah you'll be so sorry

no no never

saya sedang tidak ingin mengakui sesuatu yang besar impactnya buat saya
yeah i don't want to admit it in any kind of way although i think about it a lot of times but i still don't want to admit it okay
admitting it only gets me into such trouble
and right now i'm not in the mood to get into any kind of trouble
so i'll let it be like that and hope it will go as time goes on and on and as nobody knows what is happening to me so they won't talk about it behind me or ask me about such a thing
let everybody know that i am completely okay and have nothing worth to think

let it slipped away
yeah let it slipped away

why there is something you called heart?

i really need someone to run to but i don't know who

i really need to tell a story but i don't know how

i really need a big hug but i don't know who will give me one

i don't wanna look back even an inch

i don't wanna be hurt again

gw nyadar banget gw sekarang sedang menutup diri

sebisa mungkin gw ga cerita tentang apapun sama siapapun

apa mungkin gw sakit hati? 

gw rasa iya

gw sangat merasa sakit

lebih sakit rasanya ketika semua orang tau apa yang terjadi

gw merasa ditelanjangi oleh semua tatapan yang menganggap gw patut dikasihani 

gw ga suka dikasihani

gw aja ga ngerasa kasihan sama diri sendiri then why should they?

gw sangat tidak ingin berbicara tentang hal itu

hak yang sekarang untuk menyebutnya saja gw males

orang boleh cerita sama gw tentang masalah n so on bout their life but i'm so sorry  i don't wanna talk bout mine

gw menjadi lebih tertutup dari sebelumnya

gw waktu sd sebelum kelas 3 adalah orang yang terbuka sampe suatu saat ada hal yang ngebuat gw menutup diri

begitu pun smp

gw sangat menutup diri

tapi bukan berarti gw ga gaul sama temen2 smp gw

gw tetep lah bergaul

tapi tidak seopen gw waktu sma

sma adalah masa dimana gw ngebuka diri

sangat ngebuka diri

antara gw yang mau merubah sifat gw yang penutup itu dengan gw bertemu dengan orang2 yang gw rasa bisa gw percaya untuk gw ceritain

begitu pun kuliah

gw terbuka

sama semua orang pasti ada aja yang bisa gw ceritain

dan ke sebagian orang gw hampir menceritakan seluruh "hidup" gw

sampai kemudian gw ketemu dengan adegan dimana gw merasa ditelanjangi, direndahkan, dibuat setidaknyaman mungkin, dicacimaki, dimainkan, diinjak-injak dan semua di- di- lainnya

gw hampir ga percaya sama siapa pun

gw merasa sangat ga nyaman sama hampir semua so called friends dan ga nyaman aja sama temen2 gw

gw yah bisa dibilang ga percaya lagi sama mereka

maybe it's not because of them but it's because of me

i'm not blaming them to be theirselves

and i blame no one

but i don't know how i trust noone right now

saya terlalu takut untuk terbuka saat ini pada siapapun

saya takut sekali

saya takut sakit hati