TOTALLY ALONE

udah beberapa hari teakhir ini gw ngerasa sendiri
as in totally alone in and out
gatau kenapa gw ngerasa gt
padahal disekeliling gw banyak orang
and i got a lotta people who will always be there when i need, i knew that alright
but somehow i feel that they're just so far i can't even reach them
and some well most them i don't feel cozy to tell my stories to them

gw pengen banget cerita apa yang ada di hati gw yang ganjel di pikiran gw pengen banget gw keluarin tapi gw gatau mau ngasih tau siapa
yang gw tau bisa gw ceritain cuma NYOKAP
my lovely mom who keeps saying sarangeo before hanging off the phone and adding aishiteru after i said love you too
but i don't wanna be that selfish little girl who always moan to her mom
i've grown
if i told her what i feel then how would i think she felt back then?
she's totally alone too
dad's off to work outside and my sist is working also
so i just got to hold it
i won't let it spill
not a bit
i love you too much mom
i won't let anything spoils it again

and i won't cry (....)

gatau judulnya apaan

i don't know how to say it but i feel bad
gw gatau mesti cerita sama siapa karena gw ngerasa apa yang bakal gw ceritain ga worth untuk gw ceritain
enggak sama sekali
setau mereka gw udah lepas
totally
but what if deep down i think i haven't
what if

gw udah jahat karena dijahatin
gosh karma is really working here
i didn't do it on purpose
i just want to be free that's why i was just so evil
now i feel bad
this is the bad side of me
they say i was just too good
so i start being bad
but what do you know i can't stand to be that bad
i feel sorry
i know i shouldn't but i can't stand it
i can't

ada sesuatu yang ganjel di diri gw
pengen dikeluarin
tapi gw gamau ngeluarin
ga akan pernah mau
bakal gw tahan terus sampe gw bisa lupa hal yang ngeganjel itu
gw ga bakalan minta maaf
karena gw ga salah
dilihat dari sudut mana pun
iya gw egois sekarang
untuk kali ini egois apa ga boleh?

no i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple

sometimes you gotta be bad

i might remember you one more time just this time and i won't remember you again
not anymore
you don't worth to be remember
i just admit that once more i remember you
but i'm not remembering you again

things that happened lately reminds me of you
but it will not change my point of view about you anymore
even if you've change i don't really care
well i don't even care coz i don't even know you anymore
you better be gone now before i throw you out of the stage of this whole drama thing

i found something new, and i think it's far more better than i've had before
so be careful  on your way back
i hope you tripped and fall watching me flying high

can you see me now?
look at the blushes i had that's merrier than before
look at the bright light that shine through me
just look
and you'll see i'm happy
and you'll be sorry
yeah you'll be so sorry

arioshafa & alghufron - c.i.n.t.a (d'bagindas cover)

ini lagu tadinya ga banget tapi gara2 mereka yang nyanyiin gw jadi suka

minyinyinyihiihihihihi

no no never

saya sedang tidak ingin mengakui sesuatu yang besar impactnya buat saya
yeah i don't want to admit it in any kind of way although i think about it a lot of times but i still don't want to admit it okay
admitting it only gets me into such trouble
and right now i'm not in the mood to get into any kind of trouble
so i'll let it be like that and hope it will go as time goes on and on and as nobody knows what is happening to me so they won't talk about it behind me or ask me about such a thing
let everybody know that i am completely okay and have nothing worth to think

let it slipped away
yeah let it slipped away

why there is something you called heart?

i really need someone to run to but i don't know who

i really need to tell a story but i don't know how

i really need a big hug but i don't know who will give me one

i don't wanna look back even an inch

i don't wanna be hurt again

gw nyadar banget gw sekarang sedang menutup diri

sebisa mungkin gw ga cerita tentang apapun sama siapapun

apa mungkin gw sakit hati? 

gw rasa iya

gw sangat merasa sakit

lebih sakit rasanya ketika semua orang tau apa yang terjadi

gw merasa ditelanjangi oleh semua tatapan yang menganggap gw patut dikasihani 

gw ga suka dikasihani

gw aja ga ngerasa kasihan sama diri sendiri then why should they?

gw sangat tidak ingin berbicara tentang hal itu

hak yang sekarang untuk menyebutnya saja gw males

orang boleh cerita sama gw tentang masalah n so on bout their life but i'm so sorry  i don't wanna talk bout mine

gw menjadi lebih tertutup dari sebelumnya

gw waktu sd sebelum kelas 3 adalah orang yang terbuka sampe suatu saat ada hal yang ngebuat gw menutup diri

begitu pun smp

gw sangat menutup diri

tapi bukan berarti gw ga gaul sama temen2 smp gw

gw tetep lah bergaul

tapi tidak seopen gw waktu sma

sma adalah masa dimana gw ngebuka diri

sangat ngebuka diri

antara gw yang mau merubah sifat gw yang penutup itu dengan gw bertemu dengan orang2 yang gw rasa bisa gw percaya untuk gw ceritain

begitu pun kuliah

gw terbuka

sama semua orang pasti ada aja yang bisa gw ceritain

dan ke sebagian orang gw hampir menceritakan seluruh "hidup" gw

sampai kemudian gw ketemu dengan adegan dimana gw merasa ditelanjangi, direndahkan, dibuat setidaknyaman mungkin, dicacimaki, dimainkan, diinjak-injak dan semua di- di- lainnya

gw hampir ga percaya sama siapa pun

gw merasa sangat ga nyaman sama hampir semua so called friends dan ga nyaman aja sama temen2 gw

gw yah bisa dibilang ga percaya lagi sama mereka

maybe it's not because of them but it's because of me

i'm not blaming them to be theirselves

and i blame no one

but i don't know how i trust noone right now

saya terlalu takut untuk terbuka saat ini pada siapapun

saya takut sekali

saya takut sakit hati

5w 1h

hello world how are you
i've change my old routine quite much lately
sleeping late (well that's kinda reappearing my old routine :p)
hanging with people i used to hang with when i'm in highschool but the difference is that i only hang with two of them coz only two of them live in the same city with me
and about that new-old thing i kinda feel weird
i don't know why
i think i'm happy with my new environment but somehow something feels so weird
i don't know what but it makes me think about something that is going wrong
and till now i can't figure out what
something tells me that something was going the wrong way
i don't know which
and i really wanna know which but i don't know where to ask

pity

ever take a pity of other people?
i have, and i've done it quite much lately
but one thing i don't like about pity is i don't like to be the one who's being pity
i don't know why but i feel so uncomfortable if someone take apity of myself
i try the hardest way not to be pity by other people
if they think that my situation is a pity i'll make myself happy
i'll make them realize that it's okay for me to be that way
in anykind of way i try my best to be as happy as i can

but sometimes, once in a while i took pity of myself
i don't know why but i did
well i think i know why but i just don't want me to really know why
hahaha

[BB]Allen Iverson-Goodbye?

don't leave

i learned from you

i didn't wanna listen to what you were saying

i thought that i knew all i need to know

i didn't realize that somewhere inside me

i knew you were right but i couldn't say so

i can take care of myself

you taught me well ;)

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose

all of the reasons i keep on believing 

there's no question that's a lesson i learned from you

we always don't agree on what is the best way

to get to the place that we're going from here

but i can really trust you and give you the distance

to make your decision without any fear

i'm grateful for all of the time

you opened my eyes

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose

all of the reasons i keep on believing

there's no question i learned from you

you taught me to stand on my own

and i thank you for that

you save me you made me

and now that i'm looking back i can say

i learned from you that i do not crumble

i learned that strength is something you choose 

all of the reasons i keep on believing

there's no question i learned from you

ost hannah montana

it is called missing

i've been missing a lot of things lately

sometimes i think that missing those things is useless, it will only make you're mind and heart weak and stuff

but suddenly i think that missing things is not a thing that will make you weak or something, it will make you appreciate

*gw lagi eling nih hhahaha

for example

when i'm missing my cat i start to appreciate the times i've had with my cat

it goes the same way too with missing my home with the most lovable persons in it

missing is a beautiful feeling

even if when i'm feel like missing something or someone so much it feels so lonely and sometimes makes my eyes swell haha

but missing is a feeling i think which is powerful 

when you love someone you must have miss him or her

when you hate someone you probably would miss him or her either right

when you get something you'll miss those moments when you were trying to get what you are having now

there's always something to be miss at

and right now i miss being told what to do

i really like what i have now

i love to do anything i wanna do without anyone to tell me i should do this or that

but somehow i miss to be told

i feel so free right now

like those curfew i use to have when i'm in bogor

i can't come home late

but now i can come home anytime i want

well it doesn't mean that i went home late everynight, it's just that when i really need to come home late i can enter my room

but that freedom i have now sometimes makes me feel like nobody care about me even if i went home late

haha

i know that things i just said should be done too

but sometimes when i meet the real world i forgot what i have written here 

LOL

my Ueberdad

maybe, i think i shouldn't complain that much
i should remember my Uberdad haha he's just seriously have had this kinda experience
he well to me he never ever complain how much he misses home and how much he wanted to go home
he sacrificed his feeling so hard to make my mom's sis's and my life easier to live
he never say it so loud that he really wanted to go home
it's not about not caring it's about what it would feel if he had said those words before
he's not weak, unlike me
he's got a stiff heart 
so hard that he didn't show it to us
i never thought of that before
i was always selfish self-centered
i wanted all the attention that i can get
i never thought that living far away from home is not easy, it never is
i always thought that mom was so strong and he dad was so cruel leaving us here alone with no man for years
but he did something he should and for a family each of us should understands that to have a better life always need a sacrifice
sometimes i wonder why God told me to go here to this so called Student City
but i realize that maybe this is the best way God gave me to learn about life
to learn how to take responsible for everything you've said and done by your own self


i learn not to cry infront of people
i learn how to be tough when you feel weak
i learn how to smile even if i'm in vain
i learn to control my emotion
i learn how to say hello to God with my own way and my own will
i learn to not to trust people from the first time we met
i learn not to think all the people you meet is good people
i learn a lot dad
i hope someday you'll read this and think i've grown now
haha


i learn from you PAPA :*

i feel totally bored right now
and when i feel bored it makes everything i do feel so wrong
i don't know why but it feels that way
and it makes my mood bad
it turns ugly
i don't know how but it turns so ugly


well today wasn't that bad in the morning
i smile and laugh a lot until tonight when i found out maybe we're not going to that beautiful paradise like place this july
i want to go there so bad you know
i want it so bad i sacrifice my time to go home just for going there
but i was told not to hope much for it
and then i felt so sad that i can't even cry
i don't wanna cry there
i was so happy to meet them today but i don't know something tells me its not right
and tonight i really wanted to go home but i told my parents that i don't need to go home now
and those words that came out from my mouth earlier just made me feel so sick
sick of my own freaking self
why on earth did i say that?
i really wanna go home
i was able to stay here before coz i thought it will be such a waste of money and energy if i go back home coz going to that so called paradise wannabe is not cheap and use a lot of energy
now i don't know why on earth should i stay here
childish right?
i am childish