what you call as undercover

it feels so baaaaad not being able to share anything with anyone right now because i decided everything that happens is best to be kept alone
i don't know is it because me changing then all of this happen
all i know i feel so sad and i really need a hug yet there's noone to hug
even if there is they'll ask me why and i can't answer it
i only told one of my friend and i don't know why i don't want him to know what is going on with me tonight
not now
not when i'm feeling this blue
i don't want anyone to know how broken i am lately
i only want them to see me okay, happy
when everybody thinks that i'm happy i know that i would be

all i wanna do is cry out loud tonight

the hardest 6 months ever

i had the best and probably also the worst semester ever as long as i can remember
i don't really wanna talk about it but i just wanna share so that maybe one day if i read this again i'll remember i have been a tough one because i didn't cry :)
that was just amazing for me ahaha okay well i cried not until i had this tragedy and i promise myself not to cry if it is not worth and so i didn't
well some part of me forgot how it is to cry cause i just got so badly hurt
some part of me tells that i should just take those tragedies as my lesson
and so i did

aaah well i'm not in the mood to write so see you soon stories :)

a letter to you

i don't know i can't really talk about what's going on in my head in front of you. so i write it down. i feel silly bout writing these things down. i'm sorry for being so not mature, not lady like and stuff like that. but being with you force me to think mature, act mature not like other boys i have been with before. it's not like i've been with a lot of boys. but to be honest ak anggep km as my first. my first in everything. i feel certain changes (positive) are happening to me and i think it's because of you. today when i talk to you about this stuff i feel like i still can stand you and your attitude because i really want to learn more. and learning from you is nice or should i say the best way ever. but when you said things and i know it means you are letting me go i feel like i got no other choice but to let you go also. it's been fun, i got my lesson from you. thank you for everything. we are still friends right and no awkward attitude when we'll meet. i'm so sorry i can't be the girl you wanna be with, i tried but i'm just not that girl.

P.S: i don't know why i still wanna hold on but i know i shouldn't

things even i can't explain

i don't want to be overwhelmed by what has happened today and just how much i realize there's so much in you that i haven't understand but you are willing to let me in so that i know what and who you really are
i just realize how much you think about how i felt, feel and will probably feel  and it just makes me happy haha
with you opening your everything to me thats just wow

i just wanna write for a reminder that maybe when i feel no faith in you then i read this post then i'll remember what you used to be, how much effort you have given to me to proof everything
maybe i'll remember how i trust you so well even when you're telling stories than supposedly make a girl cry and couldn't trust his boy or something

all i know is i'm so happy today
i feel so blessed
i feel like i'm having this high hopes and future that i never thought i would have with you
i feel like there's just more of this that would come

thank you God for giving me an experience i have never had before
and i really hope it continues :)

just things that pops up to my head right now

i know you're mad at me but i don't know why
should i know why?
should i keep understanding that ur not in the mood so i should understands you as always?
should i?
what if right now i wanna be selfish
what if i want my ego to win this time
what if i can't take it anymore
but i know i can
i want to take this to the next level
i don't feel ready to end this
if you don't feel like it just tell it to my face
i would change for a better us
but if you really think we should end then what else can i do

you know i'm so tired for not sleeping in three days
my body is so tired
they're exhausted
and so is my brain
and that's why i was mad yesterday
but i thought we made up
then you were angry to me for no reason
have you read my tweets?
yeah well you had it all
see those sad emoticons i had when i was tweeting about you?
do you feel sorry?
or you just feel like i'm pushing you to the corner?
i don't know, i really don't wanna care but i care
aargh so what? you don't realize either if i care or not
i don't know maybe too many differences just don't fit in one box
maybe we can't share the same seat anymore
or maybe we just don't know yet how to
maybe we are on the way to build that one beautiful big box full with different thoughts, hopes and dreams
maybe all of the differences were making us powerful together than ever

or maybe not

the best feeling in my new year eve ever !!

today well tonight well the whole day i just feel everything just come together
i just had the best feeling ever in my life
haha i don't know why i'm so sure about this and i don't know how long it will last but i just feel so cozy with what i'm having
we shared stories
we sang so many love songs together
we open up serious conversation and i know from that moment on you and i both know that we did something wrong in our past and are trying to change our attitude
you know i've never been in this kind of relationship
i mean this time i'm having something special with the person that is soooooo not me
he even said to me that the first time he saw me that he was so sure that we couldn't be together
and when i found out where he was from from the first time we met i did think the same way as his
there just too many differences between the both of us
and there were soooo many times i feel like maybe we really couldn't stick together because of this
but what put color to our relationship is this
he taught me many things
he listens to my stories
and most of all he speaks english and really know how to make me high with his words and his accent everytime he speaks french :3
ahaha

so sorry i haven't post anything lately
i just don't know what to write

oooh by the way happy new year :D

i got no resolution but i'm trying for the best in every little thing that i'm doing and gonna do this year

happy new year and happy holidays :D

didn't you know i was crying when i read that message
i really don't know what to do
i don't even wanna eat
if we continue all of this then i should change right?
i feel so uneasy everytime i'm awake
i just wanna sleep all day and forget the rest
i cried so many times but it doesn't make feel better

do we really need to continue all of this?
if you feel more comfortable with her then why choose me?