a letter to you

i don't know i can't really talk about what's going on in my head in front of you. so i write it down. i feel silly bout writing these things down. i'm sorry for being so not mature, not lady like and stuff like that. but being with you force me to think mature, act mature not like other boys i have been with before. it's not like i've been with a lot of boys. but to be honest ak anggep km as my first. my first in everything. i feel certain changes (positive) are happening to me and i think it's because of you. today when i talk to you about this stuff i feel like i still can stand you and your attitude because i really want to learn more. and learning from you is nice or should i say the best way ever. but when you said things and i know it means you are letting me go i feel like i got no other choice but to let you go also. it's been fun, i got my lesson from you. thank you for everything. we are still friends right and no awkward attitude when we'll meet. i'm so sorry i can't be the girl you wanna be with, i tried but i'm just not that girl.

P.S: i don't know why i still wanna hold on but i know i shouldn't

things even i can't explain

i don't want to be overwhelmed by what has happened today and just how much i realize there's so much in you that i haven't understand but you are willing to let me in so that i know what and who you really are
i just realize how much you think about how i felt, feel and will probably feel  and it just makes me happy haha
with you opening your everything to me thats just wow

i just wanna write for a reminder that maybe when i feel no faith in you then i read this post then i'll remember what you used to be, how much effort you have given to me to proof everything
maybe i'll remember how i trust you so well even when you're telling stories than supposedly make a girl cry and couldn't trust his boy or something

all i know is i'm so happy today
i feel so blessed
i feel like i'm having this high hopes and future that i never thought i would have with you
i feel like there's just more of this that would come

thank you God for giving me an experience i have never had before
and i really hope it continues :)

just things that pops up to my head right now

i know you're mad at me but i don't know why
should i know why?
should i keep understanding that ur not in the mood so i should understands you as always?
should i?
what if right now i wanna be selfish
what if i want my ego to win this time
what if i can't take it anymore
but i know i can
i want to take this to the next level
i don't feel ready to end this
if you don't feel like it just tell it to my face
i would change for a better us
but if you really think we should end then what else can i do

you know i'm so tired for not sleeping in three days
my body is so tired
they're exhausted
and so is my brain
and that's why i was mad yesterday
but i thought we made up
then you were angry to me for no reason
have you read my tweets?
yeah well you had it all
see those sad emoticons i had when i was tweeting about you?
do you feel sorry?
or you just feel like i'm pushing you to the corner?
i don't know, i really don't wanna care but i care
aargh so what? you don't realize either if i care or not
i don't know maybe too many differences just don't fit in one box
maybe we can't share the same seat anymore
or maybe we just don't know yet how to
maybe we are on the way to build that one beautiful big box full with different thoughts, hopes and dreams
maybe all of the differences were making us powerful together than ever

or maybe not

the best feeling in my new year eve ever !!

today well tonight well the whole day i just feel everything just come together
i just had the best feeling ever in my life
haha i don't know why i'm so sure about this and i don't know how long it will last but i just feel so cozy with what i'm having
we shared stories
we sang so many love songs together
we open up serious conversation and i know from that moment on you and i both know that we did something wrong in our past and are trying to change our attitude
you know i've never been in this kind of relationship
i mean this time i'm having something special with the person that is soooooo not me
he even said to me that the first time he saw me that he was so sure that we couldn't be together
and when i found out where he was from from the first time we met i did think the same way as his
there just too many differences between the both of us
and there were soooo many times i feel like maybe we really couldn't stick together because of this
but what put color to our relationship is this
he taught me many things
he listens to my stories
and most of all he speaks english and really know how to make me high with his words and his accent everytime he speaks french :3
ahaha

so sorry i haven't post anything lately
i just don't know what to write

oooh by the way happy new year :D

i got no resolution but i'm trying for the best in every little thing that i'm doing and gonna do this year

happy new year and happy holidays :D

didn't you know i was crying when i read that message
i really don't know what to do
i don't even wanna eat
if we continue all of this then i should change right?
i feel so uneasy everytime i'm awake
i just wanna sleep all day and forget the rest
i cried so many times but it doesn't make feel better

do we really need to continue all of this?
if you feel more comfortable with her then why choose me?

i don't know when it all started but i think it has been going for a year
then we fought, then we made up and fought again for i thought was forever till i made up
then it all goes with the flow
i don't know why i keep doing this thing when i know it would end to sadness

gw gatau kenapa tapi gw merasa sekarang gw masih sanggup nerusin
walau seluruh dunia rasanya menentang tapi gw rasa i will give this one a chance for like the third time
rasanya sulit banget tapi makin sulit makin menantang dan gw ngerasa mungkin mengasyikan
yah emang mengasyikan untuk beberapa saat seterusnya gw ngerasa banyak waktu gw buat mikirin ini aja
gw sampe ga tidur nunggu kabar coz when we meet each other at our university we couldn't even say hallo
isn't it sad??
we should keep it a secret from even my bestfriend
i feel so guilty bout hiding all this but i don't think it's a good idea to tell about all of this
baru sekarang gw ngerasain sesuatu yang harus banget ga gw ceritain ke siapa2 padahal it was supposed to be something girls should share with their friends

new chapter in life new stories

udah lama ga ngisi blog karena gatau apa yang harus ditulis disini
gw bingung ngisinya dengan cerita apa
kadang gw klo udah tau mau nulis apa tapi begitu ditinggal bentar mau nulis udah ga mood lagi nulisnya
sekarang gw bingung klo gw cerita kadang orang mengintepretasiin jadi keluhan maksud gw kan ga ngeluh kenapa jadi kaya ngeluh zzzz

barusan gw ngalamin kejadian yang enggak pengen gw ceritain ke satu orang pun di dunia ini yang gw kenal
ga memalukan sih kejadiannya
cuma gw terlalu malu untuk bilang ke orang2 aja
semua karena gw minta maaf duluan dan terus ada perubahan dan gatau kenapa gw yang tadinya keukeuh jadi ikut berubah
tapi perubahan ini ga gw kasih tau ke siapa pun
gw berubah jadi kaya apa juga ga gw kasih tau disini saking gelinya gw buat ngakuin perubahan itu

semester ganjil kayanya semester yang baik2 aja buat gw di jogja
and i dont want to spoil it even just a little
gw cuma bisa berharap semoga semuanya berjalan dengan yang seharusnya
semuanya bisa baik2 aja
ga usah childish gt kaya kemaren2 berantem ga jelas zzz

satu yang gw harap dari sekarang dan terus ke depan nanti
ga ada satu orang pun yang tau apa yang terjadi sekarang