alhamdulillah

gatau kenapa gw ngerasa hari ini well technically it was yesterday tapi anyway gw ngerasa banyak belajar banget. mulai dari impian gw nerusin kuliah keluar negeri dengan scholarship, terus memaknai artinya teman haha chessy yah, terus gimana caranya memanage kesabaran lo dengan tingkatan yang berbeda-beda ke setiap orang, cari positifnya sifat orang jangan terpaku sama keburukan mereka, belajar memahami suatu sistem yang berjalan disuatu organisasi karena in any way you got to be prepare for the work world soon and i guess i got to know how the system works so that i could survive, terus gimana your best friend could turn out to be so blessing hehe and of course buat pacar gw yang menurut gw udah berubah sedikit demi sedikit tanpa gw minta menjadi apa yang gw inginkan hahaha. Bukan berarti gw ga nerima dy apa adanya dengan gw seneng dy sekarang berubah tapi gw ngerasa sekarang dy respect sama gw daripada dulu hehe blushing deh gw

Mari bahas tentang impian gw nerusin kuliah keluar negri. Kenapa ujug2 gw nulis lagi di blog gw setelah sekian lama gw ga nulis? karena gw nyadar klo gw butuh banget buat mulai nulis lagi, apa pun itu harus gw tulis walaupun kaya sekarang ini vocab gw acak adut tapi yang penting gw nulis dulu. gw harus belajar ngungkapin apa yang ada di otak gw kedalam tulisan dan suatu saat gw baca gw ngerti apa yang gw rasain pada saat gw nulis. okay back to the scholarship thing, gw realize ternyata applying scholarship isn't that easy cause there are many preparation. yang jadi masalah buat gw bukan preparation secara fisik as in proposal, cv or grade and friends tapi lebih ke mental. ok dulu gw keukeuh gw pasti survive klo tinggal diluar apalagi buat s2 yang yah paling lama juga paling 2 taunan kali yah tapi itu dulu sebelum gw ke jogja. pas sampe jogja gw nyadar dulu gw survive hidup di luar karena gw masih kecil dan orang tua gw selalu ada buat gw kapan pun gw mau secara fisik. bukan berarti sekarang gada yah tapi kan gw juga butuh dukungan dan keberadaan bonyok gw secara fisik tapi sejak gw tinggal di jogja yang ga seberapa jauh sama bogor klo dibanding gw jadi kuliah diluar gw blom lama ketemu emak babeh aja udah benye haha. selain masalah bonyok dan my big sista yang gw butuhin terkadang haha juga ada kendala makanan. gw nyadar pas kuliah di jogja klo makanan yang ada di bogor ga semua bisa lo temuin di jogja apalagi klo gw kuliah diluar. gw penikmat kuliner sejati dabb dan it's one of my challenges to survive out there. Nah dari sekian banyak kementalan gw yang belum siap adalah pacar. ya emang sih masih pacaran jadi kesannya apa banget gw kaya ngurungin niat gw kuliah diluar gara2 pacar but i'm leading this relationship into something more serious. Gak yang segitunya terus tunangan terus nikah tapi yah ngejalanin 10 bulan ini tuh buat gw udah amazing banget karena usahanya ga dikit dan gw ga mau end just because i am going somewhere far. dulu gw pikir gw mau ngejar impian gw dulu toh jodoh ga kemana tapi sekarang i don't know. because i feel like maybe i should think about my relationship too. i'm not ready yet to face that challenge yet, but someday of course i will be ready :)

Terus yang kedua memaknai arti teman. haha sounds so cheesy to me tapi yah gw kuliah ketemu temen2 yang  lebih beragam dari waktu gw sekolah even way back when i was in LB. background yang beda2 salah satu penyebab beragamnya orang2 yang gw temui. gw baru belajar gimana caranya ngadepin temen yang gini dan gimana ngadepin temen yang gitu. bahasa kaya apa yang harus gw pake klo ngobrol sama si ini terus joke apa yang pas buat bercanda sama si itu. i learn a lot and i learn more from pacar :) . apa yang gw pelajari hari ini adalah temen gw yang gw gatau dy nanggepin gw kaya apa tapi doi labil banget haha. sekarang bilang apa ntr bilang apa. yah gw sih diemin aja toh nanti klo ada apa2 dy balik ke gw. bukannya gw mau sok tapi yah gw gamau terlalu ngejar doi toh dy juga punya banyak temen kan :D. mungkin dia akhirnya menyadari perubahan gw sekarang dan gw udah siap banget klo dia mau ngungkit2 perubahan ini karena dy ga ada disekitar gw pas gw mengalami perubahan ini. there's just too little time i could spend time with her too tell what's going on in my life. gw kemaren2 ngalamin breakdown teramat amat sangat dan guess what no one shows up. and so from that day on i swear to myself no matter what happen i can't depend myself to anyone even if they're my very close persons. not even my parents nor my pacar. dan yang paling gw ngehin mana temen yang ada pas apa.

and third would be gimana sabar ke orang beda2 yah gitu deh pokoknya gw udah mulai ngantuk nih mau nyeritain juga haha, maklum udah jam 2 pagi dan sejam yang lalu gw baru nyampe kosan. okay yang pengen gw ceritain cuma bagian gimana your best friend turn out to be so blessfull hahaha. gatau deh nih temen gw yang ga pernah gw sangka2 bakal selama ini temenannya ternyata temenan lama. dari jaman sma gw sering berantem karena gw nya childish dan dy keras kepala tapi who knows God has a different way to show which one is your truly friend and i think he's one of it :). gatau kenapa nyaman bewud gw cerita segala macem sama dy udah kaya cerita sama temen cewe atau mungkin lebih tepatnya berasa cerita sebagai cowo haha karena gw sama dy udah kaya temen satu jenis kelamin yaitu berkelamin pria. and after all of these years he change a lot and so do i. bagus deh pokoknya

Last but of course not least pacar gw berubah perilakunya. gw inget banget dulu senior gw yang biasa jadi tempat curhat gw bilang 'ki lo gausah minta dy berubah, lakuin apa yang menurut lo baik buat dy and one day dia pasti berubah tanpa lo minta and how you feel about that would be more over whelming' and guess what yes it does. Alhamdulillah banget gw ngerasa pacar gw berubah dan itu indaaaah haha belum pernah gw ngerasa seindah ini. rasanya nyaman banget dan gw selalu bahagia setiap melakukan ini itu karena gw tau gw punya dia, ahahanjir gw geli banget nulisnya. but anyway roda berputar teman jadi gw ga boleh terlena terlalu lama di kehidupan gw yang alhamdulillah bahagia akhir2 ini. bismillah semua bisa dilalui pasti haha

yang pasti apa yang gw rasain hari ini life is full of learning, don't be bored to learn kia cause that's one of the way to survive :)

a quality sleep

i don't know since how many days ago i can't sleep well
i can only sleep for about two hours then i woke up then check my cellphone then stare at the ceiling for like half an hour then sleep then after two more hours i woke up and check my cellphone and i keep doing that till my alarm rings
i hate it
i hate it when i can't sleep well
i can't think straight yet i can't keep my emotion down
i bought this cough syrup and i once drink that and i sleep well for about 8 hours and i hope it can do the same now
i really need a quality sleep
i really do
i even start to annoy everyone around me because of my emotion and i don't want that to happen again

i'll drink that syrup, sorry mom i have to :O

what you call as undercover

it feels so baaaaad not being able to share anything with anyone right now because i decided everything that happens is best to be kept alone
i don't know is it because me changing then all of this happen
all i know i feel so sad and i really need a hug yet there's noone to hug
even if there is they'll ask me why and i can't answer it
i only told one of my friend and i don't know why i don't want him to know what is going on with me tonight
not now
not when i'm feeling this blue
i don't want anyone to know how broken i am lately
i only want them to see me okay, happy
when everybody thinks that i'm happy i know that i would be

all i wanna do is cry out loud tonight

the hardest 6 months ever

i had the best and probably also the worst semester ever as long as i can remember
i don't really wanna talk about it but i just wanna share so that maybe one day if i read this again i'll remember i have been a tough one because i didn't cry :)
that was just amazing for me ahaha okay well i cried not until i had this tragedy and i promise myself not to cry if it is not worth and so i didn't
well some part of me forgot how it is to cry cause i just got so badly hurt
some part of me tells that i should just take those tragedies as my lesson
and so i did

aaah well i'm not in the mood to write so see you soon stories :)

a letter to you

i don't know i can't really talk about what's going on in my head in front of you. so i write it down. i feel silly bout writing these things down. i'm sorry for being so not mature, not lady like and stuff like that. but being with you force me to think mature, act mature not like other boys i have been with before. it's not like i've been with a lot of boys. but to be honest ak anggep km as my first. my first in everything. i feel certain changes (positive) are happening to me and i think it's because of you. today when i talk to you about this stuff i feel like i still can stand you and your attitude because i really want to learn more. and learning from you is nice or should i say the best way ever. but when you said things and i know it means you are letting me go i feel like i got no other choice but to let you go also. it's been fun, i got my lesson from you. thank you for everything. we are still friends right and no awkward attitude when we'll meet. i'm so sorry i can't be the girl you wanna be with, i tried but i'm just not that girl.

P.S: i don't know why i still wanna hold on but i know i shouldn't

things even i can't explain

i don't want to be overwhelmed by what has happened today and just how much i realize there's so much in you that i haven't understand but you are willing to let me in so that i know what and who you really are
i just realize how much you think about how i felt, feel and will probably feel  and it just makes me happy haha
with you opening your everything to me thats just wow

i just wanna write for a reminder that maybe when i feel no faith in you then i read this post then i'll remember what you used to be, how much effort you have given to me to proof everything
maybe i'll remember how i trust you so well even when you're telling stories than supposedly make a girl cry and couldn't trust his boy or something

all i know is i'm so happy today
i feel so blessed
i feel like i'm having this high hopes and future that i never thought i would have with you
i feel like there's just more of this that would come

thank you God for giving me an experience i have never had before
and i really hope it continues :)

just things that pops up to my head right now

i know you're mad at me but i don't know why
should i know why?
should i keep understanding that ur not in the mood so i should understands you as always?
should i?
what if right now i wanna be selfish
what if i want my ego to win this time
what if i can't take it anymore
but i know i can
i want to take this to the next level
i don't feel ready to end this
if you don't feel like it just tell it to my face
i would change for a better us
but if you really think we should end then what else can i do

you know i'm so tired for not sleeping in three days
my body is so tired
they're exhausted
and so is my brain
and that's why i was mad yesterday
but i thought we made up
then you were angry to me for no reason
have you read my tweets?
yeah well you had it all
see those sad emoticons i had when i was tweeting about you?
do you feel sorry?
or you just feel like i'm pushing you to the corner?
i don't know, i really don't wanna care but i care
aargh so what? you don't realize either if i care or not
i don't know maybe too many differences just don't fit in one box
maybe we can't share the same seat anymore
or maybe we just don't know yet how to
maybe we are on the way to build that one beautiful big box full with different thoughts, hopes and dreams
maybe all of the differences were making us powerful together than ever

or maybe not